Supermom Chronicles
Friday, September 08, 2006
Rollercoasters...
I woke up at 4am today and randomly started thinking about Astroworld. My mind is always quite active in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, and it's usually pretty random.
Our annual family visits to Astroworld are some of my favorite childhood memories. I'm so sad that they closed it down and sold it off just because the real estate location is so valuable. Good grief! My favorite rides, of course, were always the rollercoasters - Greased Lightnin', Texas Cyclone, Excalibur, XLR8...I remember the famous signs at the entry to each LONG line stating that you had to be so many inches tall to ride and that pregnant women should not ride. Never did it cross my mind then that pregnancy would actually be the prerequisite for the scariest rollercoaster ride I would ever experience.
The rollercoaster of emotions I have felt over the past 48 hours have prevented me from blogging. I pretty much shut down yesterday and refused to talk to anyone but John. Wednesday I had just spoken to my sister on the phone telling her how optimistic I felt about this pregnancy. I hadn't had any more clusters of contractions. I carried Cole to 38 weeks. I told her I was certain this baby would be fine and I would deliver somewhere around 37-38 weeks. We even looked at a calendar to plan when she should come to help out. That was Wednesday.
Yesterday (Thursday) I had my weekly OB checkup (I'm 33 weeks). What he found was very troubling. I have continued to progress. For the longest time he wouldn't tell me how dilated I am. He just kept saying, "The important thing is that you are still pregnant...the baby is still inside of you...that's our goal...how dilated you are doesn't make a difference now." To which I said, "Then why the heck did you check me?" He said he needed to know. I said, "Look, just tell me. I'm ok with it. I need to know." He never did give me a straightforward answer. He said that my inner os (part of my cervix closest to the baby) is a bit past 3cm and my outer os is "a lot looser". But he said the good news is I'm only 50% effaced, so my cervix still has some substance/thickness to it. I asked him if I kept dilating at this rate, how far will we make it. He said maybe to 36 weeks if I'm really lucky. It was obvious he was not very optimistic.
As I walked out of the exam room I spoke to Candace, his nurse and my personal friend. She always cuts through the BS and gives it to me straight. She said that as he walked out of the room he said to her, "If she just walked in off the street and I didn't know her history, I'd send her to the hospital because she's about to deliver." Then she said he was afraid to tell me I'm closer to 4cm dilated.
4 cm???!!! That's usually the definition of when "active labor" starts. So I went home feeling very defeated yesterday. It's a very helpless, hopeless feeling to realize there is basically nothing else I can do but wait. Last week my goal was to make it to 36 weeks. Now my goal is to make it to next week. We'll just take it 1 week at a time. At this point, each week makes a huge difference in terms of lung development and suckle reflex. If I were to deliver this week, odds are high he would go to the NICU for anywhere from 7 to 21 days, be on assisted ventilation of some sort, and likely would need a feeding tube because they usually don't suckle this young. Each week that I can keep him inside of me, the odds of the above decrease dramatically.
So that's the first problem. Yes, there is another pressing issue: there's a darn good chance we won't make it to the hospital. With Cole I never dilated past 3cm before actually going into true active labor. From when I felt the first contraction to when he joined us in this world was 3 hours. Since I had already been having contractions for weeks, that 1st hour I wasn't sure if it was real. I took a shower, John gathered our things, I ate a banana and a piece of bread and we headed to the hospital. We were coming from Kyle (just happened to be visiting his brother, thank God, otherwise we would have been coming from Smithville an hour away), so it was the same trek we'll be making with this baby. I delivered within an hour of arriving at the hospital. Since I'm further dilated this time, and since this is my 3rd delivery (Faith took 5 hours, Cole took 3), I fully expect to deliver within 1-2 hours. In order to make it to the hospital, I will have to be acutely aware of when labor begins - not so easy since I've already been having contractions, some of which are quite uncomfortable.
Surprisingly, I don't mind having a baby in the car. This isn't my first rodeo, I know what to expect, I barely got the epidural with Cole and it hadn't really taken much effect, so I'm not afraid of the pain. But I am afraid of having a preemie in the car. I'm trying really hard not to think about it.
So, pray for us. That's all we can do at this point. I feel better today. I just needed some time to come to grips with reality. Now I'll try to think positive again.
Our annual family visits to Astroworld are some of my favorite childhood memories. I'm so sad that they closed it down and sold it off just because the real estate location is so valuable. Good grief! My favorite rides, of course, were always the rollercoasters - Greased Lightnin', Texas Cyclone, Excalibur, XLR8...I remember the famous signs at the entry to each LONG line stating that you had to be so many inches tall to ride and that pregnant women should not ride. Never did it cross my mind then that pregnancy would actually be the prerequisite for the scariest rollercoaster ride I would ever experience.
The rollercoaster of emotions I have felt over the past 48 hours have prevented me from blogging. I pretty much shut down yesterday and refused to talk to anyone but John. Wednesday I had just spoken to my sister on the phone telling her how optimistic I felt about this pregnancy. I hadn't had any more clusters of contractions. I carried Cole to 38 weeks. I told her I was certain this baby would be fine and I would deliver somewhere around 37-38 weeks. We even looked at a calendar to plan when she should come to help out. That was Wednesday.
Yesterday (Thursday) I had my weekly OB checkup (I'm 33 weeks). What he found was very troubling. I have continued to progress. For the longest time he wouldn't tell me how dilated I am. He just kept saying, "The important thing is that you are still pregnant...the baby is still inside of you...that's our goal...how dilated you are doesn't make a difference now." To which I said, "Then why the heck did you check me?" He said he needed to know. I said, "Look, just tell me. I'm ok with it. I need to know." He never did give me a straightforward answer. He said that my inner os (part of my cervix closest to the baby) is a bit past 3cm and my outer os is "a lot looser". But he said the good news is I'm only 50% effaced, so my cervix still has some substance/thickness to it. I asked him if I kept dilating at this rate, how far will we make it. He said maybe to 36 weeks if I'm really lucky. It was obvious he was not very optimistic.
As I walked out of the exam room I spoke to Candace, his nurse and my personal friend. She always cuts through the BS and gives it to me straight. She said that as he walked out of the room he said to her, "If she just walked in off the street and I didn't know her history, I'd send her to the hospital because she's about to deliver." Then she said he was afraid to tell me I'm closer to 4cm dilated.
4 cm???!!! That's usually the definition of when "active labor" starts. So I went home feeling very defeated yesterday. It's a very helpless, hopeless feeling to realize there is basically nothing else I can do but wait. Last week my goal was to make it to 36 weeks. Now my goal is to make it to next week. We'll just take it 1 week at a time. At this point, each week makes a huge difference in terms of lung development and suckle reflex. If I were to deliver this week, odds are high he would go to the NICU for anywhere from 7 to 21 days, be on assisted ventilation of some sort, and likely would need a feeding tube because they usually don't suckle this young. Each week that I can keep him inside of me, the odds of the above decrease dramatically.
So that's the first problem. Yes, there is another pressing issue: there's a darn good chance we won't make it to the hospital. With Cole I never dilated past 3cm before actually going into true active labor. From when I felt the first contraction to when he joined us in this world was 3 hours. Since I had already been having contractions for weeks, that 1st hour I wasn't sure if it was real. I took a shower, John gathered our things, I ate a banana and a piece of bread and we headed to the hospital. We were coming from Kyle (just happened to be visiting his brother, thank God, otherwise we would have been coming from Smithville an hour away), so it was the same trek we'll be making with this baby. I delivered within an hour of arriving at the hospital. Since I'm further dilated this time, and since this is my 3rd delivery (Faith took 5 hours, Cole took 3), I fully expect to deliver within 1-2 hours. In order to make it to the hospital, I will have to be acutely aware of when labor begins - not so easy since I've already been having contractions, some of which are quite uncomfortable.
Surprisingly, I don't mind having a baby in the car. This isn't my first rodeo, I know what to expect, I barely got the epidural with Cole and it hadn't really taken much effect, so I'm not afraid of the pain. But I am afraid of having a preemie in the car. I'm trying really hard not to think about it.
So, pray for us. That's all we can do at this point. I feel better today. I just needed some time to come to grips with reality. Now I'll try to think positive again.
posted by Joey at 10:05 PM
6 Comments:
First, your new template looks really great. Second, you are a really good writer and should've started blogging a long time ago.
Third, OMG, I am so sorry. I am sure you are fretting. It is so hard to deal with things that affect our lives and our families when it is out of our control. You have done a great job resting and growing that baby so far. No one can doubt that you really committed to this bedrest. I hope he stays in a long time, but the rest is unfortunately not up to you.
Even if he has to go to the NICU, those nurses and doctors are awesome, and he'll be lovingly cared for. Hang in there. We're thinking about you all the time.
I really can't top Jennifers blog but I just wanted to say I am praying for you and your baby. You have made it this far so what is a few more weeks. Take one day at a time if it makes for less stress. If you ever feel down go to Paige Morrisons blog and look at the video she made. But don't laugh to hard....well maybe you shouldn't look at it yet....LOL We miss you very much and I think about you lots. P.S your entry made me cry....so I second the good writer comment.
Hey Joey, it's Jennifer's sister Steph writing. Just a note of optimism on the whole preterm labor thing, since my twins came at 34 1/2 weeks. You are out of the danger zone, and suckling and breathing issues are not biggies in the grand scheme of preemie world. Chances are your little guy will thrive but he will most certainly survive at this gestational age. My biggest prob was coaxing those little sleepy mouths around my (relatively) giant nipples. LOL! Since you've already had two kids I'm sure you'll have less stress about the feeding thing PLUS your body knows what it's doing and your brain knows you can do it.
We twinny moms know the nitty gritty on dialation and effacement. I've known plenty of moms with relaxed cervixes who carried full term. Oh, and you aren't that effaced! I was 75% effaced and 2 cm the week before I delivered. I carried another 5 days. Had contrax for 2 days before active labor. And I was cheeky, went shopping and stayed on my feet ALOT, drank a beer the night before the birth. Oh, that and it was the full moon. See, the waning moon is working in your favor right now.
GOOD LUCK and prayers for that baby to get fat and stay in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hang in there, Joey. Everything will be fine. Preemies have a lot better chances these days than they ever did before; better than even 10 years ago when my cousin was born and he was born at around 25 or 26 weeks, so I know your baby will be fine! Don't worry too much...you know this one was absolutely meant to be here. You're in my thoughts.
OOps--sorry, my brain is obviously not working tonight. 25 or 26 weeks--yeah, he really would have been a miracle baby then, wouldn't he? More like 28 to 30 weeks? It was just at around 7 months. I've never been pregnant, so I have no idea what week is what. Anyway...I still think everything will be fine. You'll be fine, he'll be fine, and one day you'll wonder why you were ever so worried:)
Your Brodie family is thinking about you. You and the baby will be just fine. If John is at work and you start to go into labor, don't be a hero call an ambulance to rush you there! If he is home, he can drive like he's at work and get you to the hospital in no-time, when in doubt go to the hospital and call us so we can go visit!
Post a Comment
<< Home