Supermom Chronicles
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Motherhood insecurity
Today I had one of the worst days ever as a mother. Every day is an exercise in patience, as each new day presents new & unique challenges. I meet most of these challenges head on, usually finding myself satisfied overall with the results. At the end of the day I feel like I'm a good mother. Of course there's always that voice in the back of my mind wondering if I'm really doing the best that I can...should I have played more with the kids today instead of doing 5 loads of laundry? Should I have put off paying the bills so that we could have all gone to the pool? Did I spend enough time with each individual kid so that they feel secure and loved, or did I leave somebody out? I comfort myself by saying, "Hey, I'm only one person, I'm doing the best I can. Surely each kid knows how much I love them." Overall, I feel like a pretty good mother.
Something happened today, so out of the blue, that has shaken me, and I just can't get over it. I've given up waiting for times when John is home to watch the kids so that I can run errands. If I wait for John, I'd never get it all done (unless I wanted to go out late at night to run errands, give me a break). So for the past couple of months, I've found myself carting around 3 kids to run a couple of hours of errands on my days off from work. Usually it's trips to the grocery store, a quick visit to the clinic, or shopping for the kids (clothes, school supplies, etc). I've been pleasantly surprised by how well the kids behave on these outings. Yes, every once in awhile there's a squabble between Faith & Cole, resulting in a meltdown...but it's usually over in less than 1 minute and we go on about our day. Overall, I feel like my kids are well behaved in public, and I take credit because we discipline our children and balance it with love. In other words, out in public I feel like a good mom.
One of my 1st stops today was the clinic. Several people at the clinic felt the need to comment..."wow, can I help you?"..."here comes Super Mom"...."oh my God, look at all the little kids"..."that's why I only have 2"...etc etc. I let it roll right over me. On to the next errand...
Then I went to Target to finish getting Faith's school supplies. I decided to stop at the Starbuck's inside the store to reward myself and the kids for getting so much done today. I had James in his carseat in the front of the basket. Faith & Cole are instructed to always keep 1 hand on the basket so that we don't get separated. I turned from the basket to order my mocha frap, while Faith & Cole picked out their vanilla milk boxes. The basket was about 4-5 feet from me at one point while I threw some trash away and stuck the straws into the milk boxes. Every couple of seconds I did the "mom scan" (eyes darting quickly from basket to Faith to Cole and back to James to make sure everyone was close by and accounted for). The whole process probably took 2 minutes. I was very aware of everyone around us. There was a couple at the table behind me, a woman in a blue & white striped shirt talking on her cell phone at the table right next to my basket, and another late 50's/early 60's woman with her basket standing next to my basket. The whole process took about 2 minutes. I had everyone load back up onto the basket when the 50-60 yr old woman mentioned above put her hand on my basket preventing me from moving. She then said to me,
"You know, a woman in California had her baby kidnapped when she walked away like you did. I felt like I had to stand here and watch your kids for you because you look like you can't handle it all."
I said, very kindly, "Thank you for your concern. I really appreciate it," then tried to walk away. She wouldn't budge and wouldn't take her hand off my basket. Then she went on to say,
"I had to keep standing here. I couldn't leave without telling you how easy it would be to kidnap one of your kids. You can't just walk off and leave them like this...." and she went on and on...and I couldn't get away until she had taken all of my motherhood self esteem and trampled it on the floor, then picked it up, set fire to it, and blew the smoke in my face. After what seemed like an eternity, I finally was able to remove my basket from her firm grasp and push it 5 feet before Faith darted in front of it so that it hit her at the heels, causing her to collapse on the floor in a crying heep. I just put my head in my hands for about 30 seconds and took some long deep breaths.
The rest of the time at the store, I had several people approach me and say comments like, "Wow, 3 kids", "You sure have your hands full" and "you've got a big load" (referring to all kids in/on the basket). Good freakin' grief. Hasn't anyone ever seen anyone with 3 small kids? I'm sorry our family doesn't fit the average 1.86 kids per family in the U.S. As I walked through the store (which was full of parents w/ their children school shopping), EVERY mother had 1 or 2 kids. I only saw 1 mom w/ 3 kids, and they were spaced a bit apart. It seemed like everybody I passed had to look in my direction and pass judgement.
Yes, I have 3 kids under the age of 5. Yes, it's a lot of work. No, I'm not perfect, but I'm doing the best I can. All of my kids are disciplined. All of my kids have manners and say please, thank you, yes ma'am and no ma'am. My kids have tantrums (hello, they're toddlers), but we move on. They seem happy, well adjusted. I give and I give. I give to my kids, I give to my husband, I give to my clinic. I keep this house running. And yet today, I let a 5o-yr old stranger make me feel like a failure. I'm doing the best I can. Tomorrow is another day.
Something happened today, so out of the blue, that has shaken me, and I just can't get over it. I've given up waiting for times when John is home to watch the kids so that I can run errands. If I wait for John, I'd never get it all done (unless I wanted to go out late at night to run errands, give me a break). So for the past couple of months, I've found myself carting around 3 kids to run a couple of hours of errands on my days off from work. Usually it's trips to the grocery store, a quick visit to the clinic, or shopping for the kids (clothes, school supplies, etc). I've been pleasantly surprised by how well the kids behave on these outings. Yes, every once in awhile there's a squabble between Faith & Cole, resulting in a meltdown...but it's usually over in less than 1 minute and we go on about our day. Overall, I feel like my kids are well behaved in public, and I take credit because we discipline our children and balance it with love. In other words, out in public I feel like a good mom.
One of my 1st stops today was the clinic. Several people at the clinic felt the need to comment..."wow, can I help you?"..."here comes Super Mom"...."oh my God, look at all the little kids"..."that's why I only have 2"...etc etc. I let it roll right over me. On to the next errand...
Then I went to Target to finish getting Faith's school supplies. I decided to stop at the Starbuck's inside the store to reward myself and the kids for getting so much done today. I had James in his carseat in the front of the basket. Faith & Cole are instructed to always keep 1 hand on the basket so that we don't get separated. I turned from the basket to order my mocha frap, while Faith & Cole picked out their vanilla milk boxes. The basket was about 4-5 feet from me at one point while I threw some trash away and stuck the straws into the milk boxes. Every couple of seconds I did the "mom scan" (eyes darting quickly from basket to Faith to Cole and back to James to make sure everyone was close by and accounted for). The whole process probably took 2 minutes. I was very aware of everyone around us. There was a couple at the table behind me, a woman in a blue & white striped shirt talking on her cell phone at the table right next to my basket, and another late 50's/early 60's woman with her basket standing next to my basket. The whole process took about 2 minutes. I had everyone load back up onto the basket when the 50-60 yr old woman mentioned above put her hand on my basket preventing me from moving. She then said to me,
"You know, a woman in California had her baby kidnapped when she walked away like you did. I felt like I had to stand here and watch your kids for you because you look like you can't handle it all."
I said, very kindly, "Thank you for your concern. I really appreciate it," then tried to walk away. She wouldn't budge and wouldn't take her hand off my basket. Then she went on to say,
"I had to keep standing here. I couldn't leave without telling you how easy it would be to kidnap one of your kids. You can't just walk off and leave them like this...." and she went on and on...and I couldn't get away until she had taken all of my motherhood self esteem and trampled it on the floor, then picked it up, set fire to it, and blew the smoke in my face. After what seemed like an eternity, I finally was able to remove my basket from her firm grasp and push it 5 feet before Faith darted in front of it so that it hit her at the heels, causing her to collapse on the floor in a crying heep. I just put my head in my hands for about 30 seconds and took some long deep breaths.
The rest of the time at the store, I had several people approach me and say comments like, "Wow, 3 kids", "You sure have your hands full" and "you've got a big load" (referring to all kids in/on the basket). Good freakin' grief. Hasn't anyone ever seen anyone with 3 small kids? I'm sorry our family doesn't fit the average 1.86 kids per family in the U.S. As I walked through the store (which was full of parents w/ their children school shopping), EVERY mother had 1 or 2 kids. I only saw 1 mom w/ 3 kids, and they were spaced a bit apart. It seemed like everybody I passed had to look in my direction and pass judgement.
Yes, I have 3 kids under the age of 5. Yes, it's a lot of work. No, I'm not perfect, but I'm doing the best I can. All of my kids are disciplined. All of my kids have manners and say please, thank you, yes ma'am and no ma'am. My kids have tantrums (hello, they're toddlers), but we move on. They seem happy, well adjusted. I give and I give. I give to my kids, I give to my husband, I give to my clinic. I keep this house running. And yet today, I let a 5o-yr old stranger make me feel like a failure. I'm doing the best I can. Tomorrow is another day.
posted by Joey at 6:09 PM
5 Comments:
Please don't let idiot strangers make you feel bad. You are an awesome mom. I know it probably was a horrible moment (we've all had them) but some people just think they know everything and feel the need to tell you.
I bet you could find a hundred people that KNOW you are the best mom in the world. So please don't listen to the one idiot.
I know plenty of people with three kids--it's not a big deal. Your kids aren't running around like screaming maniacs trampling on everyone's very last nerve. The mothers that let their kids do that--they're bad moms. And, you've never left your kids alone in the car without supervision, and never when it was 98 degrees outside.
Everyone can think they know it all. In not having my own kids, I've been able to observe a lot of mothers. The fact is, if you're going to stand on top of their every move, they'll grow up feeling insecure the very moment that you're not there. Yeah, unfortunately we live in a society where things happen, but you're kids aren't going to let anything happen to them without a lot of noise and you're never far from them.
So, I guess my point is, Screw 'em! (ignorant people, not your kids:)
When I read your story, I got such an uneasy feeling in my stomach, because I have known mean people like that woman, and it would've eaten away at me, too. She had no right to teach you a lesson, which is how I'm sure she saw it. What nerve!
My mom had 3 kids under 5. It was her own mother who told her she was crazy to do it that way. Grandma would never have done it that way - she had a baby every 5 years for 20 years, so she only had to focus on one baby at a time (and she could ignore the older ones, truthfully).
We wimped out and only had 2, but 3 isn't outlandish. "You've got your hands full!" People said that to my sister with her twins. They said it to me when I walked my two babies and my two dogs. It was a joy to me, but the message that seems to come across is that you've got more than you can handle, and I'm glad I'm not in your shoes.
You know the every day truth. You did not lose contact with your kids. They are happy, healthy, and polite. She made a huge leap from examining a tiny 2-minute slice of your very full life. She had no right to judge you that way.
Are you sure that wasn't my Grandma? It sounds exactly like something she would do. Sorry that happened. I hate how people are always trying to judge others. If I had a nickle for everytime someone has told me that Cole CAN'T be an only child and he'll be a spoiled rotten momma's boy, I would be able to retire already. I think that by judging others it makes people feel better about their own sad lives. You guys are a great family and you are a great mother.
I am sorry that woman made you feel like she did. She had no right to judge you. You are a great mother and don't let her make you think less of your mothering skills. I know that I have said "boy you have your hands full" to a couple of our clients. But I NEVER meant it in a bad way. I will make sure I watch what I say in the future. I know that I couldn't handle just one child. lol
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